The Hour of the Wolf

When Brian was dying, and I was trying and failing to find any morsel of hope and relief I could, I had the thought that when it was all over, when he was finally at rest, I could resume my life without holding my breath between maintenance scans; able to recoup some semblance of normalcy […]

Shower thoughts…

I’ve done my fair share of complaining this year. 2020 is shaping up to be the worst year on record for a lot of people for a lot of reasons and I’m not here to minimize that at all. But today in the shower, as I was thinking about medical follow ups I have coming […]

Sunny and 72

It’s so interesting to me how our bodies remember things our conscious minds can’t always. I got my tired kids to sleep easily last night and I was looking forward to an early bedtime for myself after a full weekend. My body was tired and heavy, but my mind couldn’t relax. I was thinking about […]

Happy Anniversary

Ten years ago today in a sweltering garden at high noon, Brian and I were married. I remember that day thinking, “we made it.” After meeting when I was just 19, our years together were a roller coaster. In spite of the tenuous nature of our relationship for many years while we were trying to […]

Summer is Here

Ethne had her end of year celebration at preschool this week. I’m so proud of her for soldiering on through such a nightmare of a year. We credit her success with wonderful teachers, family, and friends. I miss Brian so much in these moments. Every single thing is harder without him here. In the most […]

Happy Birthday

Today is Brian’s birthday. He would have been 37. Ethne and I got back to our hotel room late last night and talked for a long while about how much we miss him. She listed dozens of things that “he would love.” Mostly things that have happened in the last five months. I forget that […]

Worries

I’m writing this from the bathtub. The big one, upstairs. It’s full of silky oatmeal in an effort to soothe my skin. This has been another horrible week and I’m drowning in grief and fear. I started having upper abdominal pain again this week. Precisely where my liver was treated with the chemo. It got […]

The Hounds of Winter

Things have been hard. There have been the saving graces dappled throughout the heartache that this holiday season brought upon my family, but I have to be real here and say that the winter blues, which I always experience to some extent, have been so intensified in this particular season. I can’t believe as I […]

20 more days…

…until I can hopefully close the chapter on what has far and away been the worst year of my life. *Spoiler alert* I think everything is going to be fine now, but let me tell you about my day. As many of you know, today was the day of my TACE procedure. Trans catheter arterial […]

With a Grateful Heart…

Its been difficult to find the time and energy to write. We are still struggling against the new normal that has been thrust upon us. I am thankful to still have some weeks left off work because I can’t imagine throwing that back into the mix. There are many updates, but tonight I wanted to […]