What is going on? No, really…

So, if you know me, you know I am a high-functioning anxiety sufferer. I can be freaking out in my head and cool as a cucumber on the outside. Its my modus operandi. Needless to say, this year, since May in particular, my anxiety has been THROUGH THE ROOF. As I am prone to catastrophizing, I decided to get established with a PCP, since mine left like three years ago, and get a physical and a clean bill of health so I can focus on Brian and the kids.

As I was perusing new PCP’s I saw a Brazilian APN. She had a kind face and I felt a connection because Brian lived in Brazil for two years serving his mission. I could get in to see her the next week so I did. I met her, I LOVE her. She was everything I had hoped for and more. She listened, she empathized, she did NOT think I was crazy for asking her to rule out cancer for me. She said it was completely normal for me to have these fears because of all we were going through. I left with an order for labs and a lot of reassurance.

My labs came back all normal except for some slightly elevated liver enzymes and anemia, which I had been battling since my pregnancy with Elliot. She said not to worry, we could recheck in a month. We checked again and my liver enzymes were higher this time, so only for my peace of mind, she ordered an abdominal ultrasound. That showed a small “something” on my liver, most likely a benign hemangioma. Once again, my lovely APN offered an MRI, at my convenience, and just for my peace of mind. She was not concerned.

Fast forward to last week. I had the MRI Thursday, and I downloaded my report Friday. I was in Target getting together the last pieces of outfits for our family pictures when I read the report:

“Impression: 3 heterogeneously enhancing left renal masses and a heterogeneously enhancing liver mass highly suspicious for malignancy/metastatic disease. Tissue sampling recommended for further evaluation.”

Wait…WHAT? I have read enough of Brian’s MRI’s to know that contrast enhancing masses are bad news. I sat down in the make up aisle in Target, and shakily dialed my mom. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t call Brian because he was so sick that day. My mom called my dad and he came to meet me. Then I did finally call Brian. His mom took the kids and my mom picked him up to meet me at the doctor where they fit me in at the end of the day.

I used the only connections I have and I called a nephrologist I know to ask what to do. He put me on his schedule for Tuesday so he could get into my chart. God bless this man. He made phone calls and got interventional radiology and hematology/oncology involved. By the time I left my doctor’s appointment, everyone had seen my scan and I will be having a biopsy Monday or Tuesday. I’m hoping for Monday but the IR doctor needs to do it CT guided and that takes a little longer to schedule.

My doctor called me Saturday and said she knows I have a lot on my plate. She said she understands I have a lot of family support and asked that I let them into my family circle because they intend to help me like we are all family. I am so grateful once again for my nursing education, the connections I have made, the friendships I have and the many knowledgeable nurses I can call on. I’m grateful for our church family and the ways they have lifted us up throughout these trials. I’m grateful for my friends near and far who have reached out. And I am beyond grateful to our families who have stepped in to care for my children this weekend while my mind is in turmoil and Brian was in the hospital. I could not survive any of this without them.

I am scared to death at what I am facing. What are the chances that two people in their thirties who don’t drink and are never smokers in overall good health could be stricken with advanced cancer? I can’t understand this. This doesn’t make sense on any level. Why would God finally bless us with the family we desired for so long only to let it be torn apart. I am in a crisis of health and faith.

I can only pray that whatever befalls me can be fixed. That I can survive and watch my children grow up. We have only just begun to come to terms with the reality that Brian may not be afforded that luxury. I pray for the sake of my children that I can be ok at least until they have less need of me.

Please keep us in your prayers. Including our dear families who are suffering right along with us.

20 thoughts on “What is going on? No, really…

  1. I dont personally know you, but I want you to know that I am praying for you, your husband and children. Stay close to God, in times of confusion and sadness, rely on Him. Trust in Him and His plans. I believe that when we cant see why we are going through something, it’s because it is bigger than we are. The plans are bigger than we can imagine. I cant even begin to fathom what you are going through as a wife, a mother. I pray God gives you peace and comfort. I pray that God makes your family even stronger and helps you all through this tragic time.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this Lindsey. This is truly is breaking my heart. I can empathize with you, I have a fear of losing Jonathan everyday as well, and I too am a highly functioning anxiety ridden human that lives in a “what if” state of mind. I never told you how much I admired you in nursing school to be dealing with such great stressors and still make it to school everyday and that I prayed for you and Brian often without telling you. Just know that I will be praying for your entire family to be strong and brave throughout this journey, and that your children will have families of their own before either of you leave this world, that your parents, siblings and friends will have the strength and time to support you during this time of need. I know that miracles can happen. If you need anything from me, I’ll do whatever I can. God Bless

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    1. Thank you Barb! I thought the same things about you and I continue to think so highly of you. I’m so glad we’ve kept in touch. You guys are in my prayers too!

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  3. Thank you, much appreciated. I’m so glad we kept in contact as well. I meant what I said, of you need anything, I will do what I can. I’m going to PM you my phone number…..just in case.

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  4. I am hoping that all is truly ok and this person who read your MRI had made a mistake. I actually have a friend while taking care of her husband with brain cancer as our fears of getting sick ourselves are very high ended up somehow finding she had a brain tumor. She herself had surgery thankfully benign but still. I know years after Ben’s death I myself had those fears. We live in a reality of which we know these things can happen and we know our children need us. I lived in a high state of anxiety myself those years I took care of Ben as well as during the grieving process. I tell you these things mostly because I want you to know fear is normal. You are doing everything you can to keep healthy. You are so strong look at what you’ve already endured. I’m sure overwhelmed isn’t enough of a word for it. All you can do is get that checked out for sure and we all hope it’s not serious. Try not to worry until you have to. I know easier said than done. But I love you much and I’m truly sorry that you are dealing with all of this. When you are a caregiver and a mom you easily put your self last or if you’re like me not even on the list. When I was caring for Ben I had my gall bladder out and found out I had a heart syndrome. I know that stress like I can’t be sick my husband is sick. Even having a sore throat can seem like the end of the world. So again im going to hope all is ok for you. Text me anytime girl.

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  5. WHAT??!! You are kidding! Lindsey. You sweet girl, I’m so sorry. I wish I could take some of your pain. ❤️💔 Last summer with our scares, Will used to tell me “No matter what, even in the worst case scenario, the kids will grow up LOVED.” That was reassuring to me and I know it’s the same for your kids. But I am truly sorry for all of y’alls pain. Love you. 🙏😔😢💔

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  6. Prayers to you and your sweet family. I know your mom from WW. To know her is to love her and I imagine it’s the same knowing you ♥️ I pray that name name above all names heals you, comforts you and gives you super natural peace in this time that is hard to comprehend quite honestly. Jesus place your hand on Bryan and Lindsay, and their families and give them peace. It’s in Jesus name we tell cancer, fear, pain, and the unknown to go. You are not welcome here. We claim it be on earth as it is in Heaven! Love, Ann

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  7. Oh Lindsey, I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I know you through your lovely mom. You and Brian have been in my prayers since the very beginning. Ethne & Elliot are the most blessed & loved children ever! You are so strong for them & for Brian. It doesn’t seem fair that you are being tested like this. Dear Heavenly Father, please put your loving arms around this sweet family. Comfort them, lift them up & please God, heal them. I have seen your miracles & I boldly ask that you bless them with a miracle now. Restore their health completely. Help them use this test as their testimony to help others. All of this I ask in your precious Son’s name. Amen. Sending you much love, many hugs & unceasing prayers. Tami Torok

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  8. You know the Farrells are here for you. My kids don’t remember our beach day together very well, but they know Brian and Lindsey bc we pray for you in our nightly family prayers so frequently! I wish we were near so we could actually help you guys. Love you guys!

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  9. I am so sorry Lindsey…I had no idea all this was going on…thank you for sharing so we can add our prayers for healing and strength! Please keep us informed!

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  10. This news makes me ache for you and your family. You’ve already been through so much! We’re praying hard for all of you. Please keep us updated when possible.

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  11. Dear Lindsey, I just went to mass for you this morning and will be praying tonight with a powerful prayer group. We have been praying for Brian and your family all year. Prayers for answers in tomorrow’s tests and for total healing. I believe, God just wants you to remember to take care of yourself too. I can’t imagine the stress you have been under for so long. God’s peace and love surround you and your family. WW friend of mom’s, Peggy Sue

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  12. I don’t understand why some people have to suffer so much, but I do know that the Savior is there for you, even in the suffering. He loves you. He loves Brian. He loves your babies. My heart hurts for you, and your family. I hope you can feel peace, and that your mind can be put at ease.

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  13. Oh Lindsey, I can’t believe what I’m reading! Like some others have mentioned, I don’t understand why this is happening except that God is in control and has a plan. You are a strong woman and you need to take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to let others step in and help. Helping others is one of our assignments here on this earth. I wish I were closer so I could be one of your helpers. I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my daily prayers. Much Love to you!

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  14. Wow! I am so sad for you all. Even when things turn out ok, the anxiety of it all leaves scars on the mind, heart and soul. I hope you can feel the love being poured into your family and can take it in so it can lift you up. BTW … GOD has big shoulders and it’s ok to be sad, hurt,angry and confused, he understands, but in all that confusion I know HE is there. Grab on. I will continue my prayers for you and your family.

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  15. This world is so mysterious and dark sometimes. My heart is heavy for you and your family, my friend. “At least” statements are the worst, so I won’t try one, but I am enormously grateful that you all have each other- a big, bright love among you and around you in your family. I hope you are able to feel it often during this scary time. Xo

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