Dark Night of the Soul…

“In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning”

                                                                                                  F. Scott Fitzgerald 

When I am overwhelmed, three o’clock in the morning is my mind’s natural wake up time. Usually between 2:58 and 3:01, specifically. This is not uncommon for people. There are many purported reasons for this from the spiritual to the scientific. As for me, I think I get it from my mother, who got it from her grandmother, and who knows how far back it goes.

I had a therapist once and we were discussing this and he said that the three o’clock hour was known as the Hour of the Wolf. The point in the night when you are haunted by your deepest fears, when anxiety holds fast. He said to combat this, he recommended four shots of whisky at the bedside. One for the mother wolf, and then three to follow for each of her cubs. He then laughed and advised against that.

I took Brian in for his MRI on Wednesday. As I said, I suspected tumor progression, but nothing could have prepared me for Sarah’s phone call. As she began to speak, I reached out for Kim’s hand. The glioblastoma that is invading my husband’s brain is growing at an alarming rate. At this point, there are no viable treatment options. Brian has bravely endured his diagnosis. Never once has a complaint crossed his lips. He has borne this burden like no one else could. We likely have a few weeks left together in mortality.

We spent a tender evening together that night and we decided to enroll him in Hospice. I already feel loved and cared for by the hospice team. I believe this transition will be a sacred experience for our family.

Today, I finally received the results of my kidney biopsy. I calmly listened as my APN handed me the diagnosis of renal cell carcinoma. And so it is, I find myself, a 34 year-old mother of two caring for those children and my afflicted husband, stricken with a cancer diagnosis of my very own. I called my mother as tears of anguish and disbelief fell down my cheeks. We went to have a face to face with my APN who was unable to hold back her own tears. We are getting a plan together. Once again I wait.  One of my very dearest friends came over tonight after I got home from the doctor. And then I took a hot bath and inhaled an entire (mini) cheesecake that another one of my sweet friends provided for us.

The F. Scott Fitzgerald quote is fitting as I find myself reeling at the onslaught of devastation upon devastation. I feel like I’m standing in ocean water that’s just a little too deep. When a big wave comes, I have to fight to stay standing, but it makes me so tired that soon I fall. The water is cold and heavy and dark and I can’t get my head above the surface. Then comes the panic of losing my breath, swirling beneath the waves and I don’t know where to reach because I can’t tell up from down. All the while, I’m holding my breath waiting for the wave to finish washing through so I can take a breath, try to wipe my eyes, and get my feet under me again.

As Anne Shirley once said, “I am in the depths of despair.” And yes I know Marilla’s response. And right now, I just need a day or two to pick myself back up again.




15 thoughts on “Dark Night of the Soul…

    1. I declare in the name of Jesus, as I type this message, Devine super natural healing is flowing through you and your husbands body right now. Satan, I command you to flee right now in the nighty name of Jesus..

      The word of God is a strong tower, alive and True. Gods word can not return back to him void!

      His word says that we have power of snakes, serpents and the powers of the enemy LUKE 10:19

      All things are possible for those that believe Mark 9:23

      WHOEVER speaks to the mountain, does not doubt, but believes in their heart, SHALL RECIEVE Mark 11:23-24

      2 Chronicles 20:17: I will fight this battle, position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the lord who is with you.

      Perfect love cast out fear. I don’t care what the doctor says, put your trust in God and believe the report of the lord. His plans for you are good plans, plans to do you no harm!

      Your deliverance depends on your belief in Gods promises.

      I rebuke the spirit of doubt and fear, in the mighty name of Jesus. You are loved, death before destiny shall not prevail. God IS WITH YOU.

      Gods peace, wisdom, comfort, joy fall over you like never before.

      God bless


  1. I also wake up like this nightly. Especially since we’ve been talking. I love and care about you like close friends I know we don’t know each other well. But why we met is life’s plan. You girl are amazing. To be able to stand daily is an amazing feat. You are a wonderful wife and mother. You’ve done such a great job keeping it all together. Im gathering all my strength and peace and sending it directly to you. I don’t know what all this dx involves. Life can be incredibly unfair. You are loved and cared about greatly. I’m so sorry isn’t enough. Much love to you.


  2. I don’t personally know you and your family but read of your most difficult struggles and your strength. I have you and your family in my daily prayers and thoughts.


  3. Lindsey, I have cried so hard all week as it was Bill’s birthday and i miss him so, but as I read your entry this morning I found myself sobbing for you and your family. The little girl who loved frogs is now in the fight of her life on many fronts and i am devastated…I so wish that I could hug you and make everything ok like in fifth grade but this is something only God can do and so I speak with him in prayer every day. You are the strongest person I know and i am proud to say I know you. Take one day at a time…that is how I live…and know that God has a plan for you…even though it is hard to see now. Your family and friends love you and Brian and your children and will support you through it all. Keep your updates coming so we can all know how you are doing. I love your writings…from the heart…i love you and will continue to pray for you constantly as I know God is lustening.


  4. Lindsey, my sister, Rita, is a friend of your mom. We have been praying for you along your journey since Brian’s diagnosis. When she told me this morning that your biopsy revealed you did indeed have cancer, tears filled my eyes. You don’t know me, but know that over 100 women in Colorado Springs are praying for you and your family. I am so sorry, dear one.


  5. Lindsey, I wish there was something I could do for you. Every day, I am reminded of your kindness to me as your poster still graces my door even though I am now at the high school. I said it before, but I am saying it again. If you need ANYTHING, please let me know. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel right now – I have read your blog, and my heart and prayers go out to you. I will continue to pray.


  6. Dear Lindsey, whether you continue to share your writing or you decide to keep your writing more personal, I do hope you will continue to write. Your voice is heard so clearly and I have to think this will help you strengthen your legs and body and soul to stand against the crashing waves. I continue to hold you and your dear husband and family in all the loving places of my heart.


  7. Please keep your faith in God. He is the only one that can help you through this….I am so sorry you’re having to deal with such devastating things. I’ll add you to my prayers. Strength


  8. I am your cousin my name is Vicky Kaliher. My mom is your great aunt Rita. As soon as i heard of these issues that face you and your family i cried out to God who is our deliverer from evil. Cancer is just that evil. I ask IN THE NAME OF JESUS that satin let go pf you and your family. Whenever two or more agree in pray on earth so it shall be in heaven. Amen.


  9. I am your cousin my name is Vicky Kaliher. My mom is your great aunt Rita. As soon as i heard of these issues that you face and your family
    Face I cried out to God who is our deliverer from evil. Cancer is just that evil. I ask IN THE NAME OF JESUS that satin let go pf you and your family. Whenever two or more agree in pray on earth so it shall be in heaven. Amen.


  10. My sweet friend Lindsey… my heart aches for you as I read this. You have always been one of the strongest women I know. Always positive. No matter what was going on behind closed doors, you always had a smile on your face. You inspired me in nursing school and you continue to inspire me now. I only wish there were something I could do to fix all of this. I know we are 700 miles away from each other but please know I am praying and thinking of you and your sweet family daily. ❤️💔


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