Newly Minted…

No matter what time I finally get to sleep at night, I find that I can’t sleep past five o’clock in the morning. That’s not a bad thing because Ethne is awake longer than I am at night and she sleeps in. So all the things I plan on doing when she goes to bed at night are here waiting for me in the early hours of the day.

Its been just four days without Brian, but its been 5,400 minutes and that feels like a more appropriate way to mark the time. Firstly, because it feels so much longer than just days, and secondly, because we really are in minute to minute survival mode.

Don’t let those smiles fool you! We were seconds away from a meltdown in this picture and I didn’t even know it. Ethne is remarkably strong, but, like all of us, she is struggling. Its been just the two of us the last couple of days. Yesterday, she asked to go to the museum so we met Adrianne and Ivy at the Playhouse and then had a mom and daughter lunch date. Ethne got upset because she decided after her macaroni and cheese came that she really wanted chicken strips, and I also ruined her yogurt by taking a bite of it so she had NOTHING she could eat. She got up from the table and threw her crayon and then kicked a window. That’s not Ethne, that’s the extreme amount of stress that her little mind and body have been under. But as people were looking at me, I just wished I had a shirt that said, “Newly Minted Widow and Single Mom in Training.” I did manage to explain to our waitress that our person died and so we needed to make a quick exit. She didn’t let me pay for our lunch. Thank you, Jamie Jo at One World. You were one of my angels on Earth today.

In spite of the meltdowns, its been nice to spend one on one time with Ethne. I think we both need it. I still have a ten pound weight restriction so I’m not supposed to lift Elliot. Ashley is keeping him for me like she has so many nights. I miss him, but I can’t afford to injure myself during this recovery.

Which reminds me, I have cancer too! I keep forgetting about that. Like literally completely forgetting. I really am remarkably at peace with the whole situation. I have a follow up next week and I will have a better idea of the plan going forward. I’m also starting to view my anxiety in a different way. I think its a spiritual gift. Stay with me! I know anxiety is uncomfortable and terrible and that for many, many people its a truly debilitating issue that has to be treated in order for them to function, but I think mine is different. The other day a friend told me, “your anxiety saved your life!” And it was at that point that it occurred to me that as horrible and scary as the past four weeks have been in regard to my own health, I haven’t been anxious about it. My nagging feeling that something wasn’t right with me, the literal thought that “oh my gosh, what if I have cancer too?” that filled me with that stifling, persistent, choking angst was my saving grace. It allowed me to push outside of my comfort zone and fiercely advocate for myself. It got me help and answers.

I am beginning to think on other times of deep anxiety in my life. I am trying to look back and learn what I may have missed. What those feelings were trying to teach me. This is all new because formerly I believed that I was broken, that I had some chemical imbalance that wouldn’t let my mind rest. But as I am continually humbled by my trials, I am learning to be gentler on myself. And I think everyone should be. Life can be really hard sometimes. Its supposed to be. I believe we chose to come here, to this life, to learn. And whether you believe your teacher is God, or the universe, or your own intuition, just give yourself a break and some grace. We are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

 

16 thoughts on “Newly Minted…

  1. I don’t personally know you and your precious family but have been following your story. I am very sorry about the loss of your dear husband and father of your children, and sorry about the fact that you also are facing the personal challenges of dealing with your own cancer. You and Brian have been such an inspiration to me, as I’m sure you have been to many more people. I continue to pray for healing and strength for all of you. Thank you .

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  2. Lindsey, I am Tammy’s mom. She told me of your story and your blog. I have been following for several weeks. I’m so sorry about everything you and your family are going through. You write so eloquently. So much of your heart and feelings. I also write a blog and make them into books. What a wonderful gift to your children if you could put these words into print. If your interested in more info, let me or Tammy know. It is very easy and economical. Hugs to you and the kids.

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  3. No words can express how truly amazing you are and how right you are when you say we are all stronger than we think…much much stronger! My heart is with you !

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  4. You have always been amazing and strong. That’s why I know you will be ok. Ethne could not have a better role model and mother. Allow yourself and Ethne to grieve when and where you need. Your waitress was an angel bless her heart. Love and hugs

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  5. Lindsey, your writing is your God given talent to cope with your anxiety and every other emotion you’re feeling. What a blessing and amazing gift! Please continue to share it and know how much you are touching other lives. I’m sorry I cannot see you tonight and tomorrow due to the distance between us but please know that you are in my heart and in my prayers continuously. I Love you, my friend ❤️

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  6. Oh Lindsey, I feel your pain! I wish I could do something to take it away. If you ever need a getaway, you are welcomed UP North. ANYTIME! God bless your family! Today all in the trying days Ahead. All my Love. ❤️✌️

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  7. Lindsey-I heard of your story from Kelsey Cook. My daughter passed from cancer a few months ago and left 5 and 8 year old daughters. Hospice provided a counselor who comes to the house every few weeks to work with grief with the children. There isn’t a charge and it has been very beneficial. Each daughter has a large basket with pictures, cards, possesions of their mom’s etc. that they chose to put in their basket. This helped them gieve during the early days after her death. It is a heart wrenching process to watch children go through this.

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  8. definitely girl! you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. Good quote for the day! it is a surreal feeling I remember those days of being kind of numb and everyone around falling apart. It took me months of course day by day I knew I wasn’t married anymore and Willow’s dad was gone. I wasn’t taking care of him anymore so it went from being 100% selfless to me time, which I hadn’t done that in over 3 years. I kept busy that helped. But oh boy did the grief sneak up on me. I learned to feel it as it comes. Get help when I feel overwhelmed. Definitely feel humble because you know how dark life can be. You having cancer seems unreal to me I know as a widow it’s our worst nightmare. But you really are strong enough to get through this, I know you know this! I hope you can take away lessons whatever big and small and you really understand what life is all about. Those small little moments shared with those we love. Those kids are going to be raised by one strong mutha! And that is going to make them super kids! Day by day…you will be okay ❤

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  9. Continued love and prayers from all around you especially your new guardian angel, Lindsey. You are amazing. I love your inspired writing. ❤

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  10. You probably do not remember me but I worked with you at Maui Jim years ago. I read about Brian and discovered your blog… my heart goes out to you and all of your family. I will be praying for all of you. Reading your story had me moved to tears over your strength, perseverance and love for each other and your families. I hope that your own battles are over quickly and that you are able to remain cancer free once it is all over. My heart goes out to you, truly. You are an amazingly strong person to go through such an experience and I will send good thoughts, vibes of positivity your way.

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  11. Lindsey I don’t know you but my heart hurts for you 💔 we never know what life will put in our path but reading your words of inspiration strength and pure ability to make it threw each day with love and faith of god! You are a great example of what lives inside of you! God is good! With all our love and prayers to you and your family! ❤️❤️

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  12. Hi – I’m Nicki Watson’s sister and am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m also a widow and it’s been almost 7 years for me. Those first few months are so, so hard as it doesn’t seem real, yet you feel like you’re about to break every day.
    I just want to say that you’ll forever miss him and wish he were here and it’s never easy, but it does get easier in that there will be a time where grief doesn’t overwhelm your day like it does right now.
    Sending lots of love. Happy to chat if you ever want to talk to someone who knows a little of what you’re going through. Keep writing – it’s good therapy. I also have a blog – http://www.lisajking.blogspot.com

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