I’m writing this from the bathtub. The big one, upstairs. It’s full of silky oatmeal in an effort to soothe my skin. This has been another horrible week and I’m drowning in grief and fear.

I started having upper abdominal pain again this week. Precisely where my liver was treated with the chemo. It got bad enough that I went to my family doctor to get checked out. Labs revealed that my liver isn’t functioning like it should be. Alk phos and liver enzymes are off the charts and bilirubin is 2.1, that’s when you start to turn yellow, and the ITCH. Every inch of me is itching, from in between my fingers to the very bottoms of my feet. It’s agonizing.

I spoke with my whole treatment team and everyone is kind of stumped about the symptom recurrence. It’s one month today from my procedure and while they usually don’t check labs and imaging this early, they also don’t anticipate symptoms this far out so there is a worry that something else is wrong. I’m getting another set of labs tomorrow and that will determine if I need imaging to rule out a biliary obstruction. A TACE should not cause such an obstruction so I’m drowning in anxiety over what could be the cause.

Truthfully, I’m just tired. I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m afraid and I’m so angry. I’m angry that one single thing can’t just go as planned for me. I’m angry that Brian isn’t here to help me. I need him, our kids need him. He should be here with me. Putting my mind at ease and trying to hide his own worries. Somehow when he said it would be ok, I believed him.

I’m so lucky for my friends, and most of all, my angel mother who is staying here with me so I can rest and fill the bathtub with tears. She keeps saying I’m going to be okay too, but I can tell she is worried. The two of us are cut from the same emotional cloth so even when she’s trying to be strong, she and I always tend to chase each other down the rabbit hole. “Am I turning yellow?” “I don’t know, I think your eyes look yellow, your skin doesn’t look normal either, maybe I’m paranoid.” “Come look at me in the daylight by the window…”

Mostly I’m just so sad for my kids. I’m the only parent and I can’t even take care of them this week. My house is an eternal disaster and we are surviving on protein bars, applesauce, and frozen pizza.

I know so many people are still praying for us but please say some extra ones for my health. And pray for my ability to choose hope, because I’m just so overwhelmed.

16 thoughts on “Worries

  1. Lindsey I would happily come and clean your home, I could even help watch your children. I could pick up groceries for you. You can message me or call me.
    I am sure all you have to do is reach out, let us help with the things we can for you and your children and mom.
    God bless you and your children and family πŸ™πŸ». My heart aches πŸ’” with many prayers and positive thoughts!!!
    Love Connie


    1. I’m continuing my prayers for your health and for your whole family. Our church prayer list also is continuing to pray for you Ethne & Elliot. Please know that many people are praying for you. Please tell your Mom to reach out to me if there is something I can do for your family. Johnson’s never give up.
      Norma McQueen


  2. Oh Lindsey I sure will be praying for you!!πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»


  3. I’m not near enough to Illinois to physically help you, but just know that I am praying for you, your medical team, your darling children, your wonderful mom., your liver, your peace of mind, and your sense of calm and peace. I hope your bath helps the itching. Be as strong as you possibly can be and know that it’s okay to be mad at everything and everyone. You’ve earned that right and the anger won’t last forever.


  4. Lindsey , this all just sucks! I hate that you feel the way you do. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer, but I can pray. Love on your children. Sleep with them and breath in the sweetness and love for you❀

    Lori Harmon


  5. I’m so sorry to hear this. I continue to pray for you and the kids and I think of you often. I wish I was closer so I could offer to help. I know there are many that are willing to help. Go ahead and ask…you’ll be glad you did 😊 Love to you, Ethne and Elliott ❀️


  6. Lindsey, my prayer ladies are doing a fast and prayer for you all day tomorrow. We need to get some serious focused prayer going for you for complete and total healing. Feel the love and prayers surround you. God love and bless you with his healing graces.


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