I’m writing this from the bathtub. The big one, upstairs. It’s full of silky oatmeal in an effort to soothe my skin. This has been another horrible week and I’m drowning in grief and fear.
I started having upper abdominal pain again this week. Precisely where my liver was treated with the chemo. It got bad enough that I went to my family doctor to get checked out. Labs revealed that my liver isn’t functioning like it should be. Alk phos and liver enzymes are off the charts and bilirubin is 2.1, that’s when you start to turn yellow, and the ITCH. Every inch of me is itching, from in between my fingers to the very bottoms of my feet. It’s agonizing.
I spoke with my whole treatment team and everyone is kind of stumped about the symptom recurrence. It’s one month today from my procedure and while they usually don’t check labs and imaging this early, they also don’t anticipate symptoms this far out so there is a worry that something else is wrong. I’m getting another set of labs tomorrow and that will determine if I need imaging to rule out a biliary obstruction. A TACE should not cause such an obstruction so I’m drowning in anxiety over what could be the cause.
Truthfully, I’m just tired. I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m afraid and I’m so angry. I’m angry that one single thing can’t just go as planned for me. I’m angry that Brian isn’t here to help me. I need him, our kids need him. He should be here with me. Putting my mind at ease and trying to hide his own worries. Somehow when he said it would be ok, I believed him.
I’m so lucky for my friends, and most of all, my angel mother who is staying here with me so I can rest and fill the bathtub with tears. She keeps saying I’m going to be okay too, but I can tell she is worried. The two of us are cut from the same emotional cloth so even when she’s trying to be strong, she and I always tend to chase each other down the rabbit hole. “Am I turning yellow?” “I don’t know, I think your eyes look yellow, your skin doesn’t look normal either, maybe I’m paranoid.” “Come look at me in the daylight by the window…”
Mostly I’m just so sad for my kids. I’m the only parent and I can’t even take care of them this week. My house is an eternal disaster and we are surviving on protein bars, applesauce, and frozen pizza.
I know so many people are still praying for us but please say some extra ones for my health. And pray for my ability to choose hope, because I’m just so overwhelmed.