Shower thoughts…

I’ve done my fair share of complaining this year. 2020 is shaping up to be the worst year on record for a lot of people for a lot of reasons and I’m not here to minimize that at all. But today in the shower, as I was thinking about medical follow ups I have coming up in the next several weeks, I couldn’t but look back and be grateful about how far I have come since January.

I rang in the new year in a hospital bed, my body aching with incredible pain and my mind and spirit humming with dis-ease. I was thankful for the steadfast companionship of my mother and my friend, but I struggled against relentless grief and a desire to just stop and rest from it all. But I knew that if I let that darkness overwhelm me, then my body wouldn’t, couldn’t have hope of healing. The mind/body/spirit connection is undeniable to me and I have such a desire to further understand how it all works, and to share the knowledge that I’ve gained so far.

2020 has been scary. I’ve struggled with pandemic as I suppose I would be considered an “at risk” individual. Not only with my past medical history, but as a sole parent to my two young children. There is so much at stake, and so much conflicting and divisive information circulating. If the pandemic is heavy on my mind, the civil unrest this country is experiencing is weighing on my soul. There is so much work to be done from so many angles, its hard to even begin to try to focus my attention.

So I guess I start where I always do. Right at heart center. In my mind and in my soul. Within the walls of my home where I’ve spent hard time cultivating a safe and sacred space for my children. In my community where I’ve been able to come home and feel truly looked after by good and kind people.

From where I started this year, things have only gotten better. And the better I get, the more I am able to give back what has been so freely given to me. Life is hard. I don’t know that it ever gets easier, I think the hard just looks different as we become more resilient. Resilience is a muscle; one that’s gotten a lot of exercise in my house the last couple years. I will never be the person who says I am grateful for all the trials that brought me to this point because those fights were hard won and came at great cost to myself and those around me. But I am able to recognize the beacons of hope and love and joy that are shooting up and out of the burned up hollow of my former life. I’m shedding a lot of layers of shame and regret and I’m really trying to show up as a more authentic version of myself.

Anyway, that’s a really windy way to say I feel like everything is going to be alright.


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